This is Not What I Expected at 30
I’m at an interesting place in my life where I feel like I’m being stripped…and clothed at the same time.
Stripped of what I thought my life would look like at 30. Stripped of the career path I so carefully planned out in 2014. And stripped of what I once thought to be true about myself and my interests.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized I’ve been dipping and dabbling in things not so much out of genuine interest for them, but mainly because I saw others doing it. They were succeeding by it, it looked fun, so I thought, if they can do it and be successful, then I can do it too. I made myself like things because other people I followed like them too. And what pushed me even more was having the resources to do it.
So…within the context of media, I tried my hand at podcasting but eventually disliked my then approach to producing the content I was sharing; I tried vlogging but that “day in the life” recording is yet to make its way out the camera; I returned to podcasting but later put it down again after feeling like I wasn’t truly being myself- I struggled with feeling like I was being conservative and safe and that I wasn’t really sharing the way I wanted to.
And this is after putting out over fifty podcast episodes by the way.
I then attempted to return to vlogging, this time trying the latest trend of micro vlogging, and I managed to create and post seven Tik Toks and six Reels. But again, I couldn’t maintain it because it just didn’t feel like me. Mind you, I don’t mind sharing snippets of my life from time to time, but every day? EVERY DAY?! I honestly don’t know how daily and weekly vloggers do it. I love their content though so I’m glad they stick with it.
Commercial break: thinking back on all my failed attempts, I do think that if I had really set my mind towards one thing, I would have succeeded because mind over matter, right? The question though would have been, “Am I truly enjoying this?”
Forgive me for sounding super idealistic, but I truly believe in doing what brings you joy. I believe we should look forward to doing the work we do. Will it be void of stress? No. But should we love it regardless of the stress that comes with it? I think so. I’m not there yet so for a long time I kept searching, and trying, and searching, and trying.
I got to a point where I felt like a fraud. Jumping from one thing to the next without anything really sticking made me feel like I couldn’t make up my mind and that I don’t know what I’m about. Some would argue that I should have stuck to one thing for a while and see where it took me, and that’s a fair argument, but to continue to push myself to create in a way that felt more burdensome than freeing was not something I enjoyed, nor did I want to continue.
My mentor, Claire Holsbrough, recently shared on the topic of talent and I kid you not I burned a hole in that YouTube video. Every time I would hit play I would ask myself, what am I really good at?
I was so tired of feeling lost and unfulfilled and like I was going in circles.
One of the things she said that really struck a cord in me was, “Nobody outside of their talent can experience true joy.”
I love words. And in a very nerdy way, too. Words excite me. I love the meaning of words, I love stringing words together and saying things in an interesting and sometimes amusing way, and I love storytelling and story sharing. If you follow me on Instagram you know that more often than not, you’ll quicker see me share a quote than a photo of myself. That is what comes easy. That is what comes natural to me. That is what I enjoy- words!
It’s no wonder then, when I asked God, “What am I good at?” the resounding response was, writing! Ever since I’ve known myself, I’ve always enjoyed putting my thoughts on paper. I even had a blog once before I segued into podcasting. Don’t laugh, but at one point I wanted to be like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & The City and have my own column in my local newspaper. Over time though, I got caught up in what other people were doing- thinking that what they were doing, in comparison to what I was doing, looked a lot more “glamorous”. Along the way, I drifted from one of the things I truly enjoy, but as life would have it, eleven years later, I’m right back where I started.
My mentor did lovingly caution me to remain faithful to it even after the high of the “aha” moment had lifted. She was alluding to the fact that there will be days when I will not feel like writing, and when those days occur discipline has to step in.
You would think that after receiving that “green light” to pursue writing again that I would be producing PAGES. But no, what followed behind the excitement of returning to my first love was insecurity. I felt insecure about my style of writing and I started to think, “What would people think about what I want to share?”
My mind is a funny place.
A few days after being held captive by those thoughts and feeling somewhat embarrassed by my style of writing and the things I wanted to talk about (hence why this article is coming out now and not two weeks ago when I teased on IG that I’m writing again), my mentor gave me an extra push that I couldn’t ignore.
Armed with her words of encouragement, I went on Instagram and I deleted all but one of my photos and previous posts. I made the decision that night that I am going to share my musings with my followers. Those who like, I hope they stay. Those who don’t, I hope they align with a content creator who will deliver exactly what they’re looking for.
Do I know where I’ll land now that this flight has taken off? Nope. Am I trusting God along the way? Yup.
To my Note to Self Diaries followers: I still love podcasting. I’m not giving up on it. When I do decide to return though, it will be more of me being myself, talking about the things I want to talk about, the way I want to talk about them, and less of me trying to be, and sound, like someone else.
I was stripped of what I thought my life would look like at 30. Stripped of all the plans I made for my career. Stripped of attempts at trying to be like other people and instead, I am being clothed with the freedom to be myself and to just…do me. And I love it here!
Thank you for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts on today’s post.
Leave me a comment below or email me at: alicia@notetoselfdiaries.com
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